Maternal guilt

The other night while I layed in Liam's bed waiting for him to fall asleep, I felt a little pang of maternal guilt. A thought went through my head that sounded a little like, "I miss him." I felt like I hadn't connected with Liam in days. Once I was able to sneak out of his room, I sat down and had a little cry with Paul. I told him that I miss Liam terribly. I mean, I'm with the kid pretty much every minute of every day but lately there has been a disconnect. The first reason for this is the developmental stage he is going through. He isn't exactly cooperative these days and he throws a lot of fits. He does the exact opposite of everything I say and, occasionally, he hits, screams, and throws things. I would say that he spends a good chunk of his days crying over anything and everything. I know this is normal and I keep telling myself that this stage will soon be over but at the end of the day I can't help but feel like our time has been wasted on bad moods, arguments, tears and time outs.

The second reason for this disconnect is an adorable little girl who demands much of my time and attention. After all, she is immobile and needs to be fed every couple of hours. I spend so much time feeding, burping, holding, diaper changing, rocking and soothing her that, at times, I feel like I am neglecting Liam. I may be exaggerating just a bit because Paul is here with me and he is wonderful help so Liam is usually being entertained by someone even if it isn't me but it still makes me miss him. With Paul going back to work next week I wonder what our days will be like when it's not just me and Liam. I feel really bad that he has to share me, though I doubt he even notices. But just when I start to feel that way I start to feel bad that Brygit will never have me all to herself either. Liam at least had two and a half solid years of mommy time but Brygit will always be sharing me. Again, I doubt she will ever notice but I still feel torn in two directions. My maternal guilt is getting really bad, apparently. I have officially come to the realization that I am only one person and I can't give all of myself to both children at all times. All I can do is feel so incredibly thankful for the opportunity to stay home with my kids and make the most of the time we have together. Like these moments below:

They don't seem to mind each others' company... yet.